Uuhhh, where were we ?

Daily Prompt: Disastrous

I am in this odd place in my life, I want to see change and I feel like I am making the right moves to get where I want to, but at the same time I feel like I have no control over my own life, a lot of things are happening and my (former) inner control freak is just watching it all happen, without a care in the world.

In a way I am grateful for this phase but at the same time I wonder what it means, because I fear losing my lust for life, the thing that keeps me going. I have so many thoughts and ideas that I want to share with you but because the winds have not directed me there I am finding it so hard to share all of it with you, which is so frustrating because all I crave for is experiences that will intrigue me and entice me enough to want to write a blog post about whatever the experience is, and here they are, here they go, and I still find myself standing, unshaken, why is it so hard for me to make moves that I have already made before, what the hell is happening.

It’s not writers block, I feel like my mind has put my tongue, on mute. The one gift I have, is now threatened and I still feel unmoved, unshaken, I feel sane yet I am surrounded by absolute chaos and insanity.

“I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
it feel like my life ain’t mine” – Logic

2c8f6b60e1adc988e160338b1f4891e4--smoke-drawing-smoke-artWhy do I feel at peace when what I know to be life, is threatened and why is it the one moment I let go of all control I have over my own life, it feels like things are falling into place. The only reason why I may be stuck in this phase is because a part of me is content with seeing the pieces of my puzzle just magically fall into place, and I am at peace because I am not constantly trying to figure everything out, it’s figuring itself out.

Is this a trap?

Where am I?

Xoxo, ?

 

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The trigger

Daily Prompt: Passenger
Happiness is short lived, it has it’s time span, and in that time span everything just, works out and life is amazing. Then it vanishes, you finally feel the breeze that everyone was complaining about and because you are in absolute awe you stand there, dazed not knowing what to do, where to go, how to go about it, you literally begin to feel numb towards everything and everyone around you, that spark, vanished.
We never see happiness for what it truly is. Happiness is that friend that only ever wants to grace you with his presence when everything in your life is looking up, Happiness is that friend who comes and goes into your life but you can’t let go of him/her because you care for and love them so deeply. The relationship we have with Happiness is so dysfunctional, it has no direction and you never know whether this relationship is coming or going, but we still patiently wait, we still make sure we fix ourselves and find ways to get out of our funk just to be graced by Happiness’ presence. We are so hung up on how we feel around him/her, anything, and I mean anything, is worth losing if Happiness is waiting for us at the end of the road.
Crystals,_OMAMThere’s this line in a song by Of Monsters and Men (I love them), “cause nothing, grows when it is dark”, because we closely relate happiness with, light, it’s hard for most of us to digest that growth can happen without it, Happiness is the prize we are given for overcoming darkness (seems only right, right?).
I have, however always questioned whether the Happiness we feel is undiluted, pure and at 100% because I can identify moments in my life where the happiness I felt at a certain point in my life, did not feel the same as the happiness I felt in a different point in my life.
MirrorOfErised_PM_B1C12M3_HarryInFrontOfTheMirrorOfErised_Moment.jpgRemember in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, where Harry came across the Mirror of Erised, and he sat there for hours because he saw his parents standing beside him when he looked at this mirror? Dumbledore later came in and explained to him what it shows him, he said, “The happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is.” Is that level of happiness even attainable? I am uninterested in how to achieve that level of happiness, what sparks my interest is the absurdity behind self-actualisation (Maslow’s hierarchy of needs), yes, self-actualisation can be reached, but how long will it last for. Humans’ lives are too unstable and unpredictable for us to expect self-actualisation to happen and actually last, or for it to actually even happen.
Note; I am not talking about being content, I am talking about reaching a point in your life where you would be able to look in the Mirror of Erised, and see your reflection as is, because you do not lack anything. Not even the richest man on Earth has attained that level of happiness and self-actualisation.
Emotions hold the strongest power over human beings, they rule us, and that’s what makes us human.

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Felt so good to write again, aahh man 🙂 .
Xoxo, Lucy

 

The Epilogue: Reasons to stay single, and how they worked for me.

Daily Prompt :Timely

Many of you, have been asking questions about my “Reasons to stay single, and how they worked for Me.”, 3 part series have been asking for me to write another blog entry on my journey, getting into the dating game without making any of my new suitors carry the burden my ex left me with, how dating new people is like, whether I feel ready to be with someone else, and honestly I haven’t gotten it all figured out but there’s a lot of things I have learned about myself and dating in general …

1097d23548919430b37b5f989b293407The greatest thing that I can say has happened, is me actually having feelings for someone else, me actually being interested in another being without comparing him to the other guy. That’s when I knew I had a fighting chance. I think the mistake we make is, not accepting the fact that, someone else has a part of us, the fact that there is another being out there, that you love so deeply, even though the end result wasn’t what we had wanted or expected to happen.
Everything fell into place when I stopped blaming, when I stopped trying to understand and when I started to accept that it is what it is, there’s nothing I can do about how I felt about my ex, other than accept, I had to be aware of my feelings in order for them not to hinder me from living and experiencing.

Men are like wine

Dating hasn’t been easy, guys my age are busy trying to hit it and quit it and I have, for the most part, accepted the fact that I don’t gel with guys my age, but in a society where there’s a limit placed on the age gap between two people who love each other and want to be in a relationship, I end up being labelled as something I’m not just because I do not fit into social conforms, I mean, it has never bothered  me because I have never been ashamed it, but it’s funny how society places pressure on people to be something they’re not.
Another major issue is, some guys older than me seem to think they can try playing me, try luring me in with what today’s youth is easily mislead by, you know, the materialistic things, and because I am young they’re quick to assume I am naïve. There have been a few potentials here and there, but because I never rush into things, a lot of not so nice things are revealed with time. The security a relationship offers, has many running into dead ends with a few more scratches on their newly repaired broken heart, but slow and steady wins the race right?

These past few months have honestly been the most enlightening months of my life, there’s this new buzz that I am vibing to, I love it, there’s this new Lucy creeping around, she has me looking at myself in the mirror like, “damn girl, is this really you?” Being single has given me the opportunity to actually have a relationship with myself, I know it sounds crazy, but after going through a phase where I literally did not know who or what I was, the need to start filling in these blank spaces became more evident.
Look, I know I am far from having it all figured out and may have a few more heartbreaks after this one but the fact that I will face them being secure in myself, gives me the confidence and some sort of security that I won’t have to go through what I went through, again.

There’s so much I still have to say, but with a busy schedule, it’s hard.

How do you feel about Lucy’s Journal being a vlog/blog ?

Xoxo Lucy

Not everyone in your life, is meant to be there

Daily Prompt: Glitter and Hideout

After a 4 hour phone call conversation in the early hours of the morning, I realised how we enjoy settling for certain things because we can’t find exactly what we are looking so the next best thing will do. Instead of waiting it out, refusing to compromise a few things here and there, we become impatient because we will not let life take control and understand that certain paths require self-construction before we can take them, and so we settle, we settle for the next best thing because we refuse to take the time and fix ourselves, because we believe that other people are to blame for the scars we bare.

After realising that there are many things only I can offer myself, I decided to take a break from it all and fix myself, and obviously in doing so, I had to let go of a few people in my life which wasn’t easy but it did hurt to see how easily people let go. Thinking you’ve found what many call ride or dies, people who will stick with you through it all and have your back no matter what, is a common mistake, we give people positions in our lives because we believe they have earned it, their actions have proven they’re worthy enough to be as close as we have let them to be. I have come to realise that there is no such thing as truly knowing a person, we merely know the side of them they choose to show us, and that people that truly love you, come to your aid in times of famine.

I have come to have the greatest love, respect and admiration for the people who have stayed with me through the Dineo that took over my life, it takes going through a lot of shit for one to start realising certain things about themselves and to start looking at life from an entirely new perspective, one that many people you thought were there for you no matter what, will have great difficulty seeing. You go through certain things in life and when the storm finally settles down and you just want to look at the rainbow, you will find that the sky is still full of clouds that are clearing the sky, which is a true testament to the fact that, not every cloud is meant to nourish the soil in which your roots are embedded in, some clouds are just there to fill up the space in the sky and therefore aren’t worth looking at.

Don’t waste too much time, mourning lost friends and lovers, they were never strong enough to handle you and the baggage you carry, even if you carried some of their baggage for them from time to time.

My new favourite word is, flourish.

So flourish babe, flourish in it all, flourish in everything, a new chapter has begun, don’t waste pages on those who wasted your time, flourish.

Xoxo, Lucy

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Transition

Daily Prompt:Calm

How do I put this, transition?

If that’s what we going to call what I am currently going through, it is this weird tug of war between my past and present and with every pull my future is determined. For the first time in a long time I am okay with having no power or control over anything … mainly because I am tired.

I am buzzing with excitement to see what fate has in store for me, because it is clear that I have no idea what I am doing on my own and this doesn’t make me weak, well at least I don’t feel weak, I finally feel rejuvenated or something along those lines, but hey, as long as I am hanging around, I am happy.

Happiness, oh how I have longed for you, and with happiness comes peace and all that good stuff.
Above all things, I am grateful. I look back at where I have come from and in comparison to where I was in the beginning of the year, big renovations have happened in my life.

Walls have been broken down, doors closed never be opened again, new rooms have been added, walls have been painted and books have been placed on the newly built bookshelf.

I wouldn’t say this chapter in my life was colourful, but the darkness was worth it.

There’s this new humming aura, this vibe that just gets my blood pumping and I am patiently waiting for it to be more than a hum, and I do not mind waiting because after what feels like a millennium of silence, this humming is a warm welcome to a very warm future and however short lived this happiness might be, at least I am going to live through it.

Expectations may lead to disappointment but the feeling of expectancy and how you hope to feel when something you hope, happens, happens, that feeling is just enough to get you through the dark times, and if that is what I am experiencing right now, then I do not mind – it is definitely an upgrade to the truckload of disappointment I have been handed.

Hope. The greatest trust exercise that has ever existed because you putting your dreams and wishes in the hands of fate, and the sad thing about fate is that it is predetermined, so your dreams and wishes may never be taken into consideration – the more I think about it the more I accept the fact that life is a b****, and for some odd reason I still look back and know it is totally worth it.

Dear transition, I hope you’re good to me.

Xoxo, Lucy

In my feelings

Daily prompt:Moody
I’ve been abusing that phrase for the last couple of weeks, and what it basically means that you’re feeling whatever you’re feeling intensely and passionately. That has been me for the last couple of weeks, just been experiencing a whole lot of strong emotions, and now that the storm has calmed down and my head is much clearer. I have come to realise that it is ok to be in your feelings, who cares if people think you’re a party pooper just because you’re moody, who cares if you just can’t commiserate with your emotional friend just because you are too happy to empathise – at least you’re feeling something.

Feeling something, is a sign that you are alive, a sign that you are well aware of your surroundings. Be content with the fact that you’re actually feeling something and you’re not going through that emo phase where you feel absolutely nothing … be grateful about the fact that even though you’re not in positive feelings , that you’re able to identify what you are feeling.

It’s crazy though – feeling – it is unexplainable and yet it has such a huge impact on how the moment you’re currently living in will turn out, and we have no control over it.
It’s even crazier when, what you’re feeling is influenced by someone and their presence or lack of presence and how their actions or lack of actions can lead to a rollercoaster of unnecessary emotions. When I say “unnecessary” I mean, I am a very passionate person and when I feel something, I feel it ten times more than the average human being – it’s not my favourite trait but there’s nothing I can do about it, so when I say “unnecessary” I mean, I do not want my feelings to be influenced by a being or worse for that being to have that power over me – it is debilitating.

Which leads me to my next point, being dependent, regardless of who it is you’re dependent on, is in a way debilitating. It’s so much easier to lessen the load by carrying it with someone, but in the long run it weakens you because you forget the strength you needed to carry your own load – which is why most of us crumble when the going gets tough. I am not saying, let’s all be anti-social introverts, I am just reflecting on the risks we take, all in the name of trust , love , friendship … all because we all have this aggressive need to be, happy. We risk our own happiness in order to be happy. It sounds absurd when you look at it that way, but humans are weird creatures – so it only makes sense that we’d do such.

That’s why I always say, “Never make another being, your main source of happiness, be your only source of happiness” – I just wish I’d listen to my own advice more often, because making another being your main source of happiness leaves you in disabled state when the lights go out, and now this “being” is no longer there to switch the lights back on.

Xoxo, Lucy

Doing things we know we should not be doing …

Daily Prompt:Flee
Damn you, Kryptonite. We all have our own versions of kryptonite and whether we are aware of its presence or not, one thing that’s certain is that it’s not good for us – so why the hell do we gravitate towards it?
I wouldn’t say feeling weak is addictive but I think, if you know that something or someone has the ability to make you feel weak, you’re okay with that. You know how the old saying goes, “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”, knowing who or what your weakness is, is better than having none at all. What I mean is, walking around like some super human with your fancy cape and all, is admirable, but not knowing who or what triggers your weakness and how you overcome it, is basically leaving an open platform for those who are planning your downfall.

So in some weird and wonderful way I’m basically saying, your weakness could also be seen as your strength – but the line is toed when you have allowed, your weakness to weaken you to the point where you don’t even think you have strength anymore. When I refer to your weakness as a weird form of strength, I’m talking about the strength you find to build a bridge over this weakness and the strength to actually walk over it.

It’s so hard to walk away from certain things, it’s so easy for others not actually experiencing what you’re experiencing, to tell you to pack your things, leave and walk over that bridge. I find it much easier to keep things in, rather than let it all out because suddenly my issues are on display for the world to look at, not in admiration but with sympathy – and I loathe all forms of sympathy.
I guess that’s why many are willing to deal with their weakness’s nonsense because it is so hard to trust a stranger with delicate pieces of information. I’m not justifying the reasons why we become little puppets to our weaknesses, neither am I saying it is okay, but I am simply making others well aware that we all have our own forms of kryptonite, and just because you found the strength to overcome it, don’t look down on those who are still finding the courage to build a bridge. Instead be patient with them, the same way others were patient with you and in the same way you were patient with yourself.

Many people are just looking for a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen, not a mouth to respond and a cold shoulder when in their opinion, they’re not listening to their advice. Most of the time, advice was not even asked for – it is hard to relate when it’s something you’re either not going through or if you have never been through something similar, that’s where empathy comes in.
Many (like me) would rather die in silence than have to talk about their issues – it is simpler that way, I’m not saying it is right, I am saying it works. People are just too judgemental and opinionated for me to risk being mocked and ridiculed.

So to everyone, who has mastered the art of putting on a brave face and leaving all your troubles at home – I salute you. You are the real MVP’s !

Xoxo Lucy