Reasons to stay single, and how they worked for me (2/3)

3Daily Prompt: Quicken

Reason 2/3 : You have to mourn the relationship, and learn how to live without it.

So the pain has sunk in, now what? Well one of two things usually happen, you either stay single and vow not to get into a relationship with anyone, anytime soon because love is a bitch and you’re not ready to take that risk again, or you start messing around with other people, having a little fun never hurt anyone right? So it wouldn’t hurt to start dating new people, forget your ex while meeting new people, find someone better, you start to believe that nothing will get you out of the hype you were previously in.

My mistake happened to be, that I didn’t deal with the pain, I just overlooked it, I didn’t see the use in entertaining it even though it was the only emotion I felt for a very long time.
So you choose to stay single, no problem there, but what are you doing while you’re single because it’s not like hating the sex you’re attracted to and anything affiliated with love is going to help you in any way, if anything, it’s just hindering you from evolving and learning a thing or two from the situation.
Even if you choose to start dating other people, what I have noticed usually happens is you shut out anyone who resembles your ex, it may be character traits, what you liked most about your ex, the list is endless, you tell yourself that you’re looking for something different, something you know you will never find because you had everything with your ex and that’s what makes everything harder, you’re dating other people because you want to forget your ex but everything seems to remind you of this person.

“Too late,
You wanna make it right, but now it’s too late
My Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake with Kool-Aid
I’m trying not to waste my time” – Childish Gambino ( RedBone )

Io0O9gH.pngThis is also around the same time your ex tries fixing things, the other person swallowed their pride and is at your mercy, all they want to do is get back together with you. You find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place because you want to move on and you do not have the strength to fight off the temptation, the need to go back to where you are most comfortable and where everything makes sense. It’s easy to go back and try fixing things but you need to remind yourself of the strength you gathered to call it quits, it isn’t easy but you need to remind yourself that it will be worth it.

You need to realise that you are broken and only you can fix yourself, and the only way you’re going to do this is if you face the situation head on, you just broke up with someone who was your world, and now you feel as if there is no world without this person because they were such an integral part of your life, you need to remind yourself why you left that relationship in the first place, and if the relationship left you, you need to learn to mourn the loss of that person in your life, and this has nothing to do with physical death but the death of an important existence in your life, what was the very pulse of your heartbeat no longer exists and now you need to learn to make your heart beat on its own.

Accept the fact that you’re in pain, you’re weak and you feel vulnerable. But life goes on, you need to stop with the pity party, it is important that you allow yourself to mourn for just a moment and allow the death of the relationship to become a reality and also realise that it is time to fix yourself, and this is a journey you need to take alone, because no one will truly understand the emotions you feel.

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then. “  – Lewis Carroll (Alice in the Wonderland)

Well that was an intense post, I promise the next one will be a bit more light-hearted, because every story needs a happy ending …

Xoxo, Lucy

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Reasons to stay single, and how they worked for me. (1/3)

Daily Prompt: Baby

Reason 1/3 : The breakup hasn’t taken full effect.

The worst thing one can do after leaving a long term relationship is look for another one or go through the phase where you embrace being single and having what you would call fun because you’re finally free. You latch onto someone else because you do not want to face the demons your past relationship has left you with and you’re so used to having someone that is always there for you, that the fear of being alone overpowers your need to mourn your past relationship.

130425-Pretty-Pink-Flower.jpgThe first thing you feel after breaking up with a long term partner, isn’t pain, pain is only felt when the fact that, that person isn’t there anymore sinks in, when you realise that you’ve just lost a few years building something that you didn’t get to fully embrace, that is when pain is felt, but immediately after the break up you’re just numb to the whole situation, and you may be taken back by the fact that after so many years, you are alone and that is when the flood of emotions come into play, it could be anger, it could be confusion and sometimes (depending on the nature of the breakup)  you feel happy and this happiness could be concoction of relief (you finally got it off your chest), peace (you feel as if the cloud that was hovering over you is finally gone) and you feel as if there is this new chapter that is about to open and you’re life is about to reach new depths.

It is after all these emotions have fizzled out and the pep talks with family and friends have reached an end, it is only then, where that pain hits you, and it happens out of nowhere, you are so unaware of the can of worms that you opened the very moment you broke up with this person that you only realise the severity of the situation when the worms have left the can and have begun to eat away the cloak that’s been protecting your heart from feeling anything. It is then, that you have to start dealing with the break up.

I’ll delve deeper into this, in my next post …

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Xoxo, Lucy

Not everyone in your life, is meant to be there

Daily Prompt: Glitter and Hideout

After a 4 hour phone call conversation in the early hours of the morning, I realised how we enjoy settling for certain things because we can’t find exactly what we are looking so the next best thing will do. Instead of waiting it out, refusing to compromise a few things here and there, we become impatient because we will not let life take control and understand that certain paths require self-construction before we can take them, and so we settle, we settle for the next best thing because we refuse to take the time and fix ourselves, because we believe that other people are to blame for the scars we bare.

After realising that there are many things only I can offer myself, I decided to take a break from it all and fix myself, and obviously in doing so, I had to let go of a few people in my life which wasn’t easy but it did hurt to see how easily people let go. Thinking you’ve found what many call ride or dies, people who will stick with you through it all and have your back no matter what, is a common mistake, we give people positions in our lives because we believe they have earned it, their actions have proven they’re worthy enough to be as close as we have let them to be. I have come to realise that there is no such thing as truly knowing a person, we merely know the side of them they choose to show us, and that people that truly love you, come to your aid in times of famine.

I have come to have the greatest love, respect and admiration for the people who have stayed with me through the Dineo that took over my life, it takes going through a lot of shit for one to start realising certain things about themselves and to start looking at life from an entirely new perspective, one that many people you thought were there for you no matter what, will have great difficulty seeing. You go through certain things in life and when the storm finally settles down and you just want to look at the rainbow, you will find that the sky is still full of clouds that are clearing the sky, which is a true testament to the fact that, not every cloud is meant to nourish the soil in which your roots are embedded in, some clouds are just there to fill up the space in the sky and therefore aren’t worth looking at.

Don’t waste too much time, mourning lost friends and lovers, they were never strong enough to handle you and the baggage you carry, even if you carried some of their baggage for them from time to time.

My new favourite word is, flourish.

So flourish babe, flourish in it all, flourish in everything, a new chapter has begun, don’t waste pages on those who wasted your time, flourish.

Xoxo, Lucy

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Come on now x K5 ft. Alex Sono

“Hi, uhm, this is awkward … I was, I just wanted to see you that’s all. I’ll see you when I see you and I guess we’ll talk another time, peace”

Four months after his debut mix tape with Kay-Blist, K5 did not shy away from introducing us to his new sound as a stand-alone artist by featuring Alex Sono. This single, is a contrast between the broken hearted and those who are hopelessly in love, and not only do they capture the difference of the two feelings but their single is an open an honest expression of their own personal feelings.

K5 20170112_223207.jpg“After I lost the girl that I’m talking about in the song, I went on to mess around quite a lot. Bringing Alex Sono into the song, allowed for a two-way story, he being in a happy relationship brought in that dynamic of love and my side shows the occurrences after losing that love. “

The one thing that this song truly highlights, is the fact that there is a distinct misunderstanding between those who are in love and those who are broken hearted, and this is heard by Alex Sono’s more upbeat verse, which contrasts K5’s verses which are calmer and have a sense of scornfulness.

“And it affects me deeply, I hate the fact that I was never to wipe to your tears, I hate the fact that I was never there to fight your fears, but trust me, there’s still more to do, there’s still more to go, give me a chance. Come on now.” – K5

“I’m on the drugs they call sadness, you’re my happiness, in the midst of the madness” – Alex Sono

IMG-20170205-WA0009.jpg“I had been struggling with some form of creative block when K5 told me he wanted me to do a verse in his “love song “. It seemed clearly destined because I hadn’t shared the concept of my tape with anyone. K5 gave me no restrictions what so ever. His instructions were: “write a great verse about a girl you love”. The title “Come on now” (which sounded like something one says to win a girl over) was the only form of reference I had when writing the verse. I wanted to address an everlasting feeling of wanting to get closer to someone, even when you’re closest to them. Those are words of thanksgiving to a loved one for making me happy and a better person. I wanted to plead to the girl to come closer so that I could have a euphoric life and be the best version of me. The song has definitely inspired me with regards to the work on my tape”

Fans of both artists have been starved, neither artist has released anything for a few months now and this appetiser, relinquished their fans of the famine they had found themselves in. I call this single an appetiser because both artists are working on their own mix tapes, which will hopefully be released soon.

“I firmly believe that everything happens in due time and so did this collaboration. Funny story: K5 and I sat together in class, at some point in high school. We’d often share raps and creative concepts with each other. This is something we always want to do, we’ve always wanted to break out of the typical rap subject matter of self-glorification and how “hard” one was raised. This is the start of it all. I have currently been working on my second mix tape, entitled “Love Happens”, it’s been a stressful process so far. I’m basically trying to put the story of little Alex Sono falling in love for the first time and going through the ups and downs of the experience in a 16 track project.”

Support their music …

Download the track here

Click here to stream

 

IMG-20170205-WA0007.jpg

Oran the E.P x Troyden tx.

img_1776Member of TYDcollectives, Troyden tx has finally released his well anticipated debut E.P titled, Oran, and while many expected a hip hop fuelled sound, his alternative/indie sound not only came as a shock, but as a welcomed gesture into the world of Thabo Ndlovu.

“Now that Oran the E.P is out I feel a little more empty than I did when I made it or recorded it or whatever. That EP is my life from the first song till the last, there’s a little bit of my painfully depressing life stitched into each and every syllable of each and every word … it’s scary.”

There is no arguing that this E.P provides a glimpse in the world of Troyden tx, the 18 year old South African artist, uses his own life experiences as inspiration for his music and that is clearly reverberated throughout the entire E.P, he clearly documents what it is like to be a teenager in today’s society by making use of several different genres to make this unique sound that feels like a breath of fresh air in comparison to what most underground artists, who are trying to make commercial tracks, are trying to push.

“But I guess in a way I didn’t make that E.P about myself alone, I guess my broken heart broke even more because others like myself are sad and breaking down somewhere hoping for attention. I don’t make music to evoke depression, I make music to release depression … as sad as I am whenever I recorded I felt the sadness die down for a bit, My music is based on my life and the daily social struggles of being a teenager in terms of social pressures, depression and the emotional roller coaster that comes with trying to find yourself in this lonely world.”

One thing I experienced while listening to this E.P is, I didn’t want it to end because every track has its own identity, and when it does end, I always seem to say to myself, “It’s finished!?” My finger always seems press repeat when PhoneCall comes on, it’s an upbeat catchy song which contrasts the rest of the album.  What really makes this album is the folder titled “Do not open”, that comes with the E.P, and in this folder are several pictures of Troyden, and it is as if he wants to randomly pop up on people’s phones and he wants them to wonder why, or it could be another way of Troyden inviting us into his world. Either way I love it!

 

Oran the E.P aims at every teenager’s emotional roller coaster, it points out those feelings you feel for a split second in life but never reveal. Oran, means light/pale and I hope that it shines a light on how emotion has become uncool/unwanted in the real world.

Show him some love,

Click here to download this mind blowing E.P

Click here to stream this E.P on SoundCloud

He’s also on wordpress: http://www.troydensonoftheocean.wordpress.com

Keep up with him on social media

Instagram:  @Troyden_tx

Soundclound: http://www.soundcloud.com/1498tx

Twitter: @WhoisTroyden_tx

Tumblr: @1498tx

Facebook: @TYDcollectives

Heart makes art and art is conscious.

Troyden tx - Oran The Ep

Building the bridge …

Daily Prompt: Gone

It happens without you even knowing it. Moving on.

I’ve wasted an entire year, stressing over something, that I should have just let happen. Being a control freak has it’s perks, but I realised a bit too late that there are certain things you should just leave in God’s hands, let that shit sort itself out and it’s not because you don’t have the power to sort it out, it’s simply because it was never your job to.

I have been holding myself back, waiting for a sign I knew would never come … and for what?
For me to look back with regrets?
For me to look back at the countless seeds that were planted in my, once abundant garden, the seeds that failed to bloom because I was too busy investing my time and energy, trying to resurrect a dead flower.

My precious, how could have I let you go when I had invested the very essence of my soul into your creation – your death to me, was unimaginable and now it was more than my imagination that I had to deal with.

An entire year, I’ve wasted an entire year, looking for myself, trying to redefine who I was without you.
It took me an entire year to realise that, although I am lost, I should not wander on foreign territory for something I left back at home.

This was supposed to be my year, but instead – it became all about you …
New beginnings present themselves, greener pastures await me but I am still keeping an unspoken promise … a promise you failed to keep.

An entire year, I’ve wasted an entire year.
I should have just lived, I should have allowed myself to breathe, to laugh … find my inner happiness … but instead I was still looking at this dead flower for some sort of hope.

It took me an entire year to realise that I should have just let it go … it took me an entire year to build a bridge that took me moments to walk over.
I learned so much about myself this year, and I couldn’t have done it if it weren’t for that dead flower.

Peace has reigned upon me, new things await me, and happiness is my new sanctuary. The strength I’ve erected within myself – all these couldn’t have happened if that flower did not die.
I may have wasted this year, but God forbid I waste another.

I am not thanking you (there’s not much to thank you for), all that I am in this very moment, is because of all my hard work.

I have built the bridge, I have crossed it, I may have not burnt it but that’s only because I enjoy seeing how far I have come, and the oath I made to never waste another year on anything other than myself.

Xoxo, Lucy

F o r g i v i n g

Daily Prompt: Interior

You are never truly over something, someone has done to you if you can’t forgive them for their actions, and sometimes it isn’t because you’re holding a grudge against them but because you haven’t actually dealt with the situation. I have come to realise that sometimes it isn’t about getting the clarity you wanted but it is about you dealing with it on your own and forgiving yourself.
We are so quick to point fingers and blame others for why we feel the way we do, forgetting that it is our feelings that we need to deal with before anything, anyone says make sense on an emotional level.

I have been pointing too many fingers at the wrong people when I should’ve been pointing them at myself. I am the reason why I felt the way I did because I failed to forgive myself when it mattered most and so I walked around thinking that other people were to blame for so many things in my life. The only place in my entire existence where no one else matters is my life and I was letting people hinder me from living it because I refused to forgive them, I refused to release myself from that pain … I found some sort of solace in feeling sorry for myself.

Forgiving someone who may not even be sorry is difficult, but it is much worse to live a half-life and not move on from where that person left you because you just won’t forgive them. My mother always warned me about holding grudges, she’d say that while I am still angry at the person and holding a grudge, that person is living their life, unperturbed by what I am going through and how I may be feeling. The beauty in forgiveness is not hidden within the words, “I am sorry.”, but in that feeling you get when the weight is off your shoulders, you see forgiveness isn’t there to benefit the person you’re forgiving but it is there to release you of the agony you endure while you’re in the state of being unforgiving.

It is never about them and will never be about them, so stop waiting for the curtains to open up … that opportunity may never come. Release yourself, remove yourself, allow yourself to grow. Love yourself more than any other being in your life.

Xoxo, Lucy