Kufanele uz’thobe

Zulu for : You need to remain humble.

There’s this arrogance that’s lingering around me, this pride … I love it, and it’s not in a “self-centred”, “I’m so important”, “the world revolves around me,” attitude. The last half of 2018 left me weak man, I never saw it coming and when it hit, I found myself feeding off other people’s strength, happiness, peace – I had to survive one way or another and for a while the emotional left overs people offered me, got me through that season, but now I’m getting stronger on my own, I’m redirecting my energy – because this “I’m finding myself” nonsense is a trap.

My arrogance comes from knowing my flaws and not being ashamed of them, I’m proud of my weaknesses and that gives me strength – I love what the furnace has birthed, I’m finally beginning to encompass the woman I’ve always wanted to be, the parts of me that remained dormant for one reason or another are stepping forward, they’re running the show and I am not scared. I’m not waiting for short bursts of happiness to shelter me, I’ve identified the fact that I am not okay and that makes me happy, that gives me peace. I’m tired of being strong – and if, looking out for my emotional wellbeing makes me weak, then so be it, as long as there is peace in my heart – that’s all that matters.

Nothing could ever justify a tragic event – nothing. This is not my “I survived and so can you” story, you can never survive certain things and that’s okay – I’m okay with not being okay, I’m not okay and that’s okay. I can’t hide in shadows and hope the pain goes away, it’s there, I feel it – and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m crying myself to sleep either, I’ve accepted the situation and that’s helping me move on but that doesn’t mean I’m okay.

People in your inner circle who know how emotionally unwell you are, assume it passes like the flu and that for me was a hard pill to swallow – I had to forgive them for not understanding the way I understand or empathising with my pain to the extent I expected them to. It’s okay that they don’t get it – they never will and that’s okay. Truly accepting your situation sweetie pie, is a catalyst in your healing and from my experience, makes you stronger.

Be real with yourself. Accept your situation. Take it one emotional breakdown at a time. Don’t keep track of your healing, it doesn’t have a unit of measurement.

Xoxo, the girl who’s okay with not being okay.

Knock Knock ?

It’s been a year since I attempted writing a successful blog post – I needed a break, I found myself in this weird phase where the Lucy that started blogging at the age of 16, was one I couldn’t identify with. I was and still am changing, and that meant redefining Lucy, would my readers understand that growth was necessary? I couldn’t quite place my finger on what direction my blog was going to take, but I wanted to take it with you, but I couldn’t because I didn’t know what the outcome was going to be.

I took a break because redefining myself as a writer required developing a lot of intrapersonal skills, and while that was happening, I had to deal with a lot of traumatic situations in my personal bubble which hindered my overall progress in trying to redefine myself. Last year was testing, it was hard, it was long but above all it was rewarding, I found myself spiritually and developed my interpersonal skills, which resulted in stronger friendships being built and a healthy relationship being maintained, I’ve started an NPO, I’m finding my voice. I’m growing – I look back at 2018 and even though it has left me broken, the amount of knowledge that I’ve gained makes it worth it.

I made the decision to make 2019 all about the things that make me happy, it’s not a resolution – it is part of my healing process.

I missed you so much, I missed this process of writing. I’m happy to be back.

Xoxo, Lucy.

‘Michael’ E.P

“It’s about a kid who is showing everyone that it’s possible for you to make all of your dreams come true, no matter who you are or where you come from.”

19 year old independent artist, Michael Duru – AKA Mikey Rockstar, releases his E.P on the 10th^th of August, this E.P is a platform he set to showcase his talent to rest of the world. This Hip Hop artist, writes, produces his own music and taps into the rap world, exploring his creative capabilities and inviting the listener into his world. His main sources of inspiration for this E.P include artists such as, Logic, Dizzy Wright, Jhene Aiko and Justin Bieber.

“Looking back now, I probably wouldn’t be doing music, if my sister didn’t change the channel, to MTV that day, but hey who knows.”
Mikey tells the story of how he got introduced to music and most importantly how he loved music enough to want to make his own, he then started listening to artists such as, Rick Ross, Justin Bieber and Drake, and these are the same artists who have set the tone for his lyrical content. “What I want people to know about me is that I’m very passionate about music, I work hard every day to make my dreams a reality”

Mikey Rockstar’s music can be described as current and intellectual, he has a strong support system from his friends and family, this young artist has a lot of fire in him and he hopes his fans catch a glimpse of that fire and determination through his music.

“I want people to know that it’s possible to do anything they put their minds to, because all things are possible through God, belief, prayer and hard work.”

Keep up with this up and coming artist on social media;

Twitter: @MIKEYROCKSTARSA

Insta: @mikey_rockstar

Facebook: Mikey Rockstar

Check his music out too, just click here  and here

Xoxo, Lucy

P.s; I’m not back just yet :). but I love you still.

Orange Art Meeting 2.0

Daily Prompt: Inheritance
On the corner of Bree and Simmonds in Johannesburg, South Africa, at ESK ROYALS, is where a group of likeminded, creative geniuses met with one purpose, to share their form of art with others. This event, in my opinion, was successful because of the common respect these weirdos had for each other, we all spoke in a language only we could understand and it was refreshing, being in a space where you are understood and accepted because every other artistic being knows the feeling of rejection we get from society.

For this, we thank the main man himself, the guy who puts all these meet and greets together, Alex Sono.
“ I wanted to create a collective nyana you see, like a community of us weirdos, I know a lot of people here that make great art, and I feel like once we like, mingle and like, get to know eachother we can create this community because the problem becomes when I know this person and this person but these two people don’t know each other, someone who makes videos and I know someone who’s looking for a music video and its awkward you know, it’s just weird ”

Orange 2.0 featured;

Orange 2.0 was such a success, that Orange 3.0 should happen in the near future and I, like many others are so excited. If you are an artist of any kind (writer, poet, musician, DJ, painter, drawer…) hit me up, Orange is definitely for you.
To clear the air, Alex Sono chose the name Orange because of the stories his grandmother would tell him about an area called Orange Farm in the East Rand, and his grandmother made Orange Farm seem like the ultimate place to be, which is what he plans to make Orange, the place to be.

dav

Big shout out to Luyanda Dlamini, Exauce Maleba and Troyden Tx. For helping in making this event happen, you guys are amazing, and another shout out to PinkScale Production for taking footage of the entire event.

Alex Sono and Troyden Tx. Plan on releasing their mixtapes in 2018 and Exauce Maleba has a wattpad series, I’ll update the post with his name as soon as I get hold of it.

Orange Art Meeting 3.0 … loading …

Xoxo, Lucy

Hey now

Daily prompt: Sparkle

Like the new look ? Just thought I should try something different.

I should be napping but this blog post is on my mind … yes, I nap – everyday, I can’t function without napping hey, but enough about napping … let’s talk business.

DUDE, IT’S DECEMBER … this year has not given me a moment to take it all in and I’ll tell you why, it’s been one hell of a good year and I am not going to wait till late December to post this – oh no, this blog post will not get consumed by the other “the year that was” blog posts.
2017 – Goodness gracious, could 2018 be just as delicious. If anything this has been a year of a lot of growth, seeds planted have landed on fertile soil and this baby may not be ripe, but this is a good harvest waiting to happen, I must say, it feels so good writing blog posts in a happy state – it’s not the norm yet, but I am enjoying the grin on my face much more than the tears that usually wet it.
Where were we, aahh yes, growth – GROWTH, damn even my writing style has changed – I need to start vlogging, seems like a lot of work, but a lot of fun as well.

Okay, growth – I have to say, 2017, awoke a part of me I thought I would only discover in my mid-twenties, there is this new aura that I live in, an entirely different energy level, and I thought it would take much longer to feel the way I do about life, I say this because my outlook has changed so much, you know, when you go through rough patches and you’re plagued with this feeling of hopelessness and not looking forward to anything, one would think I would be more guarded because I walked down that dark path alone, but here I am throwing caution to the wind, living on what I would call, “the edge”, breaking a lot of my own rules and not denying myself the sweetness that is – happiness, and I then realised that my own insecurities, that led to all the rule-making, closet-building, demon-storing habits, were the reasons why I never felt fulfilled – I was holding myself back this entire time. So maybe, just maybe, the little lessons we learn from dark days – do not mean we need to hinder ourselves, living unfulfilled lives because we do not want to go through pain again – but the knowledge we have learned should give us a free pass, allowing us to live on the edge because we are aware of the tell-tale signs.
I am however, not saying that we should make the same mistakes repeatedly (especially if the lesson has been learned).

I don’t know whether it’s because I found love just at the right time or whether the dark days packed their bags just before the sun started rising in my life – I’d like to think that timing has everything to do with this year. 2017 has not given me a moment to reflect, writer’s block barged in, just as I was going through things that spark blog post ideas, and as debilitating as it may have been – a part of me does not mind that it did happen – it had to, because my reflection of the year would not be as, in depth as it is right now.

I recently stopped drinking (reason being alcohol just started tasting weird, smells disgusting, it just stopped giving me that extra zing) and I currently feel like I unlocked some magical portal, going out and taking every moment in, being surrounded by drinkers who won’t remember much and you (the sober one) get to remember everything, and actually get lost in the moment – there is something magical about getting home and not smelling like alcohol, and not having to worry about the hangover in the morning, I just love much fun I actually have when sober. I have to admit though, a few days ago I ordered a strawberry daiquiri (which used to be my thing, the one cocktail I just had to have whenever I was out), I could not finish it, I do not know what possessed me to order it, probably thought the whole “eeeww alcohol” phase had passed – seems like it’s here to stay, I’m not complaining though, on the bright side going out has just got a whole lot cheaper.

Songs listened to while writing this blog post;

Vancouver sleep clinic – Winter (Album)

Xoxo Lucy

Reading between my lines.

Daily Prompt: Dancing

It’s 1am and I should be studying, but I think my writer’s block has, FINALLY LEFT THE BUILDING!
For the past few months, I have been a stern believer in destiny and everything happening for a reason and it’s simply because I started seeing the connection between everything that was happening in my life, but one thing I have had to accept about this belief is that, it is not for you to understand neither is for you to see, destiny does not want to be traced and therefore acts in sneaky and secretive ways. Do you ever ask yourself why you may have learned something a few months ago, something that was, in that moment, unrelated to anything in your life, but then a few months later, you find yourself in a situation where you are equipped to deal with a particular situation or you’re able to engage in a conversation that you would not have been able to engage in if it were not for that skill that you learned a few months ago, and I know this example is pretty vague, but I have come to realise that life prepares you for your moments of downfall as well as your moments of happiness and success. It’s not for you to understand neither is it for you to recognise the little breadcrumbs destiny leaves.

If it were not for 2016 (one hell of crappy year), I do not think I would be able to fully appreciate all the goodness that has surrounded me this year, it may not have been perfect but I have been so grateful for the peace and happiness that fills my soul this year. I discovered this when, one night, my best friend and I were drinking in his backyard, celebrating my birthday and he asked me, “So what is Lucy thankful for, and what is she looking forward to in her new year?”, it was then I realised how much of a beautiful year this has been and how if it were not for the breakdown I had in 2016, my growth would not be as significant as it is, neither would I be able to recognise how this has been one heck of a beautiful year, and it’s in the little things, it’s always in the detail, the breadcrumbs destiny leaves.

It’s so easy for us to get so caught up in the happiness that we forget to be thankful, humans are greedy by nature but what use is the good moments if you are not appreciative of them, stretch out that goodness the same way you squeeze out that little bit of toothpaste out of the tube, in a way it makes the good moments last longer and the bad moments not that bad, it’s something that I have been trying for the past few months and it truly has worked, whether you’re thanking the Man upstairs, another Godly being or the Universe, learn to let go of the feeling of entitlement because Earth owes you absolutely nothing, but it gives you just enough to get you through and when you’re going through your season of abundant harvest, don’t be greedy, share it, plant the seed of goodness in everyone and in your time of drought, destiny will come through, she always does.

Ecclesiastes 3 – King James Version (KJV)
“ To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”

Well, I guess I got my writing streak back, and there is a lot we need to talk about …

Xoxo, Lucy

Song listened to when scribbling; Florence + The Machine – Wish you were here

Decoding

Daily Prompt: Mystery

I have been quiet, I know, forgive me – life happened. The problem now is sharing my experiences, so much has happened, so much is happening, a lot of epiphanies are coming to light – life is happening, but there are so many thoughts running through my mind that it is so hard to segment everything into delicious little pieces, all my thoughts want to have a say, the voices inside my head are all screaming and everyone is asking me when my next blog post is going to be … I am so close to getting my writing groove back, here is what I could piece together…

There is something about the phase I am going through right now, it’s a tug of war between who I think I am and the woman I am becoming, it’s beautiful.
There is this sense of feeling self-assured in my flaws, being unapologetic for who I am , growth has me on life’s highway and peace is sitting in the backseat singing sweet lullabies to my soul as my foundation hardens, I am finally finding myself.
That feeling of not fitting in and not belonging does not frighten me anymore, my spine has developed.
I have never felt as happy as I do now and it makes this phase more sentimental because I am going through it alone. No one can look back and say, “Remember when … “, because no one truly understands what I went through. This is a me moment, and I am fearlessly letting all my puzzle pieces arrange and rearrange themselves, my inner control freak is behaving, allowing this to all happen.

There is beauty in self-love, that level of confidence that is built on the numerous scars that have since healed. That’s not something one takes for granted. It took me such a long time to value patience, and understand the power of destiny, certain things need to happen in order for you to truly value what will come next, and the sad thing is you only realise this when you look back and realise how far you have come and how far you are willing to go because you do not want to go back to the dark space you were once in.

Xoxo, Lucy

Revisiting; 2.14am 14.10.2017 // 12.10.2017

Daily Prompt:Trademark

Click here to read my previous post, before sinking your teeth into this one;

I got a lot of questions about this one, a lot of people were sliding into my dm’s (is it still legal to say that?), asking me a lot of questions about this post, and a few were thankful for my honesty in my previous post, well, this is me, explaining myself …

I wrote, 2.14am 14.10.2017 // 12.10.2017, literally at 02:14am on October the 14^th relating to something that happened on October 12^th 2017. I found it so hard to study with this dark cloud hanging over me, this dark cloud, consuming me, I could not get through studying because I was feeling guilty, for feeling happy, and the only reason why this guilt was present was because someone in my life wasn’t happy with a decision I had taken … in a nut shell, that’s what the situation was …

2.14am 14.10.2017 // 12.10.2017 ,was a spur of the moment post, written with tears rolling down my eyes and aggressive anger, I was venting, annoyed at the fact that my decisions were not deemed good enough by those who are supposed to be supporting me and trusting my decisions. I had planned to take the post down after writing my test, but with the support I had received and feedback I was getting, I decided to fix the grammatical errors and keep the post up.

With the current phase in my life being one of growth and self-discovery, my newly gained independence has allowed me to take the most control I have ever had over my life. Taking over the steering wheel has not been easy and I am on a new journey, which is why I am unaware of the shortcuts I could take or the speed bumps I could avoid, which is why I may take the longer route or find myself having to change a tyre, and that’s okay, that’s life, it’s my life, all I ask for is patience and not everyone has that, especially when they care for you. What bothers me, is when people want to take over completely and let you sit in the passenger seat, which is why I questioned if one’s life is ever truly their own, because I’ve let too many people give me advice on my journey that a few too many think they’re entitled to taking over my steering wheel, which is where the aggressive anger stemmed from, people not knowing their limits.

Advice given, is not always advice that is taken and it’s painful when it’s not taken, which is where the guilt tripping comes from, it’s something I don’t understand neither do I agree with it but stop hindering other people from being happy, even if it’s short term happiness, your job is to be present and supportive, knowing you’ve played your part the moment you gave that person your advice.
Not saying it’s easy, but no one is perfect, sometimes you need to watch someone fall and scrape their knees and also be there to disinfect the wound, put a plaster on it and tell that person that everything will be okay … no one wants to hear how dumb they were or how they should have listened to you, don’t put someone in a position where they feel as if they can’t run to you because you’re “judging” them. Your main job is to be there and be present. Do that.

Hope that answered everyone’s questions.

I’m on insta; @lucysjournal_
and on facebook; @lucysjournal
so do the right thing 🙂

Songs listened to while writing this post ;

• Of Monsters and Men – Yellow Light
• Little Dragon – Pink Cloud

until next time,
xoxo, Lucy

The Brotherhood of the world award

YYYAAAASSSS, this feels so good! Huge thank you goes out to, Opinionated Confabulator for nominating me.

Before I sink my teeth into this here is what you need to know;

This award is an award of recognition and awareness. It is an award given by bloggers to other bloggers. It is a way for us to thank other bloggers for their support or highlight their awesome blogs.

Rules of the Brotherhood of the World Award:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog.
2. Answer the questions sent to you.
3. Nominate around ten bloggers.
4. Create your set of questions for your nominees.
5. List the rules and display the Brotherhood of the World logo in your post.

The Questions;

1. What motivated you to start your blog?
   I actually get this question, a lot,  in 10^th grade, my English teacher (I will always be grateful for the role she played in my life), made me realise my ability to write, before then I did not know I had the gift in me, I just thought I was a well-spoken individual, but because of her, I found myself starting a blog, this was 3 years ago, the main aim of the blog has changed a lot since then.
2. Is this the first time you’ve ever had a blog (or something to that affect)?
   First time sharing my thoughts and life experiences with the world? Yes … Lucy’s Journal is my first and only blog.
3. If yes, what do you want to accomplish with it? If not, what is different about this blog?
   World Domination *evil laugh* … haha to be honest though, Lucy’s Journal is a space for beings to come and be reminded they’re human again, before starting my own blog, I found it so hard to find a blog that I could relate to, a blog that made me feel sane, and that’s what I want Lucy’s Journal to accomplish. The next step right now is vlogging, which is something I am getting really excited for.
4. Who is someone that pushes you to write, even when you don’t feel like it?
   Even when I don’t feel like it? When do I never feel it? If it were up to me I would constantly be scribbling my thoughts in my journal and then sharing them with you, but writer’s block can be a pain in the … anyway, the response to this question is about to get super cheesy (wait for it), my readers push me to write hey, when I get too quiet, and stop posting, a lot of them will start messaging me on facebook or instagram, asking when the next post is due to go up, for someone to take time out of their life to check my blog and then still message me, it means everything and I am grateful for that.
5. What’s your favourite dessert?
   Hard question, I live for food, I LOVE food, but what I’m craving right now are these Chocolate brownie bits from Woolworths, the Peppermint Caramel Gateau Cake from Woolworths and an Oreo McFlurry from McDonalds, always saves the day …

My nominees …
David Writes
Non Conformist
Last Minute Stuff
Make It Ultra
My Questions;

1. 1. 1. What is the one thing your readers do not know about you?
      2. What made you start a blog and how long have you been blogger?
      3. What is the greatest challenge you’ve faced in the years/months you’ve been a blogger
      4. What’s the last book you read ?
      5. What is your favourite quote and why?

This was F.U.N

Xoxo, Lucy

2.41am 14.10.17 // 12.10.17

Daily Prompt;Succumb

I find it weird how bad I feel when I have disappointed someone or a few people … usually everyone, but what I am finding even weirder is how you feel guilty or are made to feel guilty for just derailing a little bit. Now, I am the first to admit how far from perfect I am and how I make a crap load of mistakes, but what bothers me is when you’re placed in a situation where you either follow the advice you have been given, or you find yourself in a situation where you’ve messed up (which is usually where I am because I am “wrong” for not “listening”), and that temporary happiness you feel is now, something you should be ashamed of.

Where does one draw the line between their happiness and keeping everyone else happy, the balance between the two (in my opinion) does not exist and that – bothers me. Don’t get me wrong, even with an amazing support structure, one does not need to feel suffocated and start hyperventilating because they made their own decision/s, and start drowning in their own tears because they’ve disappointed the people whose opinion matters most.

Is one’s life ever truly their own?

With the various factors that contribute to a person’s life (Family, Friends, Religion, Work, Relationship/s …), one is a product of the company they keep, which brings me back to the fact that you as a whole, are made of your experiences, relationships (of every kind), and I could go on and on explaining this, but your character is influenced by these factors, which is why I question the ownership one’s life. We are so busy hopscotching trying to make everyone, happy that we give bits and pieces of our life to various people/factors, at the end of all this, how much of yourself do you actually have to yourself? Are all the decisions we make truly for ourselves, or do we take them to make everyone else happy and proud of us, and I know many of you are read that thinking, “I make decisions to make myself proud and happy”, but once you begin to dissect the matter, it may not be, 100% about you. It’s human nature, there is nothing wrong with that, I just find this feeling, really weird.

I know, this was a bit depressing but, I had to vent, which is why this post is all over the place but new posts should be coming soon, I am so glad my writer’s block vanished …

check me out on insta; @lucysjournal_

Xoxo, Lucy