The Epilogue: Reasons to stay single, and how they worked for me.

Daily Prompt :Timely

Many of you, have been asking questions about my “Reasons to stay single, and how they worked for Me.”, 3 part series have been asking for me to write another blog entry on my journey, getting into the dating game without making any of my new suitors carry the burden my ex left me with, how dating new people is like, whether I feel ready to be with someone else, and honestly I haven’t gotten it all figured out but there’s a lot of things I have learned about myself and dating in general …

The greatest thing that I can say has happened, is me actually having feelings for someone else, me actually being interested in another being without comparing him to the other guy. That’s when I knew I had a fighting chance. I think the mistake we make is, not accepting the fact that, someone else has a part of us, the fact that there is another being out there, that you love so deeply, even though the end result wasn’t what we had wanted or expected to happen.
Everything fell into place when I stopped blaming, when I stopped trying to understand and when I started to accept that it is what it is, there’s nothing I can do about how I felt about my ex, other than accept, I had to be aware of my feelings in order for them not to hinder me from living and experiencing.

Men are like wine

Dating hasn’t been easy, guys my age are busy trying to hit it and quit it and I have, for the most part, accepted the fact that I don’t gel with guys my age, but in a society where there’s a limit placed on the age gap between two people who love each other and want to be in a relationship, I end up being labelled as something I’m not just because I do not fit into social conforms, I mean, it has never bothered  me because I have never been ashamed it, but it’s funny how society places pressure on people to be something they’re not.
Another major issue is, some guys older than me seem to think they can try playing me, try luring me in with what today’s youth is easily mislead by, you know, the materialistic things, and because I am young they’re quick to assume I am naïve. There have been a few potentials here and there, but because I never rush into things, a lot of not so nice things are revealed with time. The security a relationship offers, has many running into dead ends with a few more scratches on their newly repaired broken heart, but slow and steady wins the race right?

These past few months have honestly been the most enlightening months of my life, there’s this new buzz that I am vibing to, I love it, there’s this new Lucy creeping around, she has me looking at myself in the mirror like, “damn girl, is this really you?” Being single has given me the opportunity to actually have a relationship with myself, I know it sounds crazy, but after going through a phase where I literally did not know who or what I was, the need to start filling in these blank spaces became more evident.
Look, I know I am far from having it all figured out and may have a few more heartbreaks after this one but the fact that I will face them being secure in myself, gives me the confidence and some sort of security that I won’t have to go through what I went through, again.

There’s so much I still have to say, but with a busy schedule, it’s hard.

How do you feel about Lucy’s Journal being a vlog/blog ?

Xoxo Lucy

Not everyone in your life, is meant to be there

Daily Prompt: Glitter and Hideout

After a 4 hour phone call conversation in the early hours of the morning, I realised how we enjoy settling for certain things because we can’t find exactly what we are looking so the next best thing will do. Instead of waiting it out, refusing to compromise a few things here and there, we become impatient because we will not let life take control and understand that certain paths require self-construction before we can take them, and so we settle, we settle for the next best thing because we refuse to take the time and fix ourselves, because we believe that other people are to blame for the scars we bare.

After realising that there are many things only I can offer myself, I decided to take a break from it all and fix myself, and obviously in doing so, I had to let go of a few people in my life which wasn’t easy but it did hurt to see how easily people let go. Thinking you’ve found what many call ride or dies, people who will stick with you through it all and have your back no matter what, is a common mistake, we give people positions in our lives because we believe they have earned it, their actions have proven they’re worthy enough to be as close as we have let them to be. I have come to realise that there is no such thing as truly knowing a person, we merely know the side of them they choose to show us, and that people that truly love you, come to your aid in times of famine.

I have come to have the greatest love, respect and admiration for the people who have stayed with me through the Dineo that took over my life, it takes going through a lot of shit for one to start realising certain things about themselves and to start looking at life from an entirely new perspective, one that many people you thought were there for you no matter what, will have great difficulty seeing. You go through certain things in life and when the storm finally settles down and you just want to look at the rainbow, you will find that the sky is still full of clouds that are clearing the sky, which is a true testament to the fact that, not every cloud is meant to nourish the soil in which your roots are embedded in, some clouds are just there to fill up the space in the sky and therefore aren’t worth looking at.

Don’t waste too much time, mourning lost friends and lovers, they were never strong enough to handle you and the baggage you carry, even if you carried some of their baggage for them from time to time.

My new favourite word is, flourish.

So flourish babe, flourish in it all, flourish in everything, a new chapter has begun, don’t waste pages on those who wasted your time, flourish.

Xoxo, Lucy

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Transition

Daily Prompt:Calm

How do I put this, transition?

If that’s what we going to call what I am currently going through, it is this weird tug of war between my past and present and with every pull my future is determined. For the first time in a long time I am okay with having no power or control over anything … mainly because I am tired.

I am buzzing with excitement to see what fate has in store for me, because it is clear that I have no idea what I am doing on my own and this doesn’t make me weak, well at least I don’t feel weak, I finally feel rejuvenated or something along those lines, but hey, as long as I am hanging around, I am happy.

Happiness, oh how I have longed for you, and with happiness comes peace and all that good stuff.
Above all things, I am grateful. I look back at where I have come from and in comparison to where I was in the beginning of the year, big renovations have happened in my life.

Walls have been broken down, doors closed never be opened again, new rooms have been added, walls have been painted and books have been placed on the newly built bookshelf.

I wouldn’t say this chapter in my life was colourful, but the darkness was worth it.

There’s this new humming aura, this vibe that just gets my blood pumping and I am patiently waiting for it to be more than a hum, and I do not mind waiting because after what feels like a millennium of silence, this humming is a warm welcome to a very warm future and however short lived this happiness might be, at least I am going to live through it.

Expectations may lead to disappointment but the feeling of expectancy and how you hope to feel when something you hope, happens, happens, that feeling is just enough to get you through the dark times, and if that is what I am experiencing right now, then I do not mind – it is definitely an upgrade to the truckload of disappointment I have been handed.

Hope. The greatest trust exercise that has ever existed because you putting your dreams and wishes in the hands of fate, and the sad thing about fate is that it is predetermined, so your dreams and wishes may never be taken into consideration – the more I think about it the more I accept the fact that life is a b****, and for some odd reason I still look back and know it is totally worth it.

Dear transition, I hope you’re good to me.

Xoxo, Lucy

Doing things we know we should not be doing …

Daily Prompt:Flee
Damn you, Kryptonite. We all have our own versions of kryptonite and whether we are aware of its presence or not, one thing that’s certain is that it’s not good for us – so why the hell do we gravitate towards it?
I wouldn’t say feeling weak is addictive but I think, if you know that something or someone has the ability to make you feel weak, you’re okay with that. You know how the old saying goes, “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”, knowing who or what your weakness is, is better than having none at all. What I mean is, walking around like some super human with your fancy cape and all, is admirable, but not knowing who or what triggers your weakness and how you overcome it, is basically leaving an open platform for those who are planning your downfall.

So in some weird and wonderful way I’m basically saying, your weakness could also be seen as your strength – but the line is toed when you have allowed, your weakness to weaken you to the point where you don’t even think you have strength anymore. When I refer to your weakness as a weird form of strength, I’m talking about the strength you find to build a bridge over this weakness and the strength to actually walk over it.

It’s so hard to walk away from certain things, it’s so easy for others not actually experiencing what you’re experiencing, to tell you to pack your things, leave and walk over that bridge. I find it much easier to keep things in, rather than let it all out because suddenly my issues are on display for the world to look at, not in admiration but with sympathy – and I loathe all forms of sympathy.
I guess that’s why many are willing to deal with their weakness’s nonsense because it is so hard to trust a stranger with delicate pieces of information. I’m not justifying the reasons why we become little puppets to our weaknesses, neither am I saying it is okay, but I am simply making others well aware that we all have our own forms of kryptonite, and just because you found the strength to overcome it, don’t look down on those who are still finding the courage to build a bridge. Instead be patient with them, the same way others were patient with you and in the same way you were patient with yourself.

Many people are just looking for a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen, not a mouth to respond and a cold shoulder when in their opinion, they’re not listening to their advice. Most of the time, advice was not even asked for – it is hard to relate when it’s something you’re either not going through or if you have never been through something similar, that’s where empathy comes in.
Many (like me) would rather die in silence than have to talk about their issues – it is simpler that way, I’m not saying it is right, I am saying it works. People are just too judgemental and opinionated for me to risk being mocked and ridiculed.

So to everyone, who has mastered the art of putting on a brave face and leaving all your troubles at home – I salute you. You are the real MVP’s !

Xoxo Lucy

O r g a n s

Daily Prompt:Vanish

“So I take off my face, because it reminds me how it all went wrong, and I pull out my tongue because it reminds me how it all went wrong”

War has never been for the weak and constant battle can take strain on a person – but the greatest sign of strength is admitting defeat and simply letting go, because as difficult as it may be, after realising how tired you are of constantly fighting and all you’ve ever yearned is peace of mind, you realise that the only way you’re going to find such, is when you find the courage to leave the battle field, in search for greener pastures.

“I am tired of punching in the wind, I am tired of letting it all in “
We grow tiresome of, unfulfilling, seemingly one sided relationships (not just romantic relationships, but friendships and family) – where it seems as if you are the only one willing to go the extra mile to save the relationship, while the other person practices the art of self-defence, and no matter how many stray bullets hit you, you’re still willing to run onto that very battle field in hopes that the war will be conquered not for your sake, but for the sake of the damn relationship and no matter how many times you call for backup, you find yourself facing it all alone.

“And I should eat you up and spit you right out, I should not care but I don’t know how”
There’s this sense of hope amidst feeling defeated, tired and neglected. You keep going into war in hopes that this will be your last time fighting for something you feel so strongly about, something you worked so hard to build. Yet to date, you have not reaped any rewards or acknowledgements for your achievements, and you begin to feel unvalued, unappreciated but you forget that the other person in this relationship, who only ever practices the art of self-defence, will never be able to see the strain you take for the betterment for this relationship because they’re too busy looking out for themselves.

“the wind blows loudest when you’ve got your eyes closed, but I never changed a single colour that I breathe so you could have tried to take a closer look at me”
When will people realize that a relationship is a two way street, the roads meeting up to each other are equidistant – meeting each other half way. Not one walking an extra mile because the other feels as if they’re not ready for “the next step”, not one walking away when the road gets congested, because they’re cluster phobic.

“But in the end the waves will discolour me”
You have worn yourself thin, all in the name of love. One emotion, has the power to control every other emotion, but you’ve been the puppet for long enough and I promise you, once you leave, you will never want to look back – because of the light that will come back into your life and the colour that will now fill the pages of your book.
“So I take off my face, because it reminds me how it all went wrong, and I pull out my tongue because it reminds me how it all went wrong, and I cough up my lungs because they remind me how it all went wrong, but I leave in my heart, because I don’t want to stay in the dark”

All quotes, were taken from the song Organs by Of Monsters and Men.

Xoxo Lucy

She couldn’t even recognise herself in the mirror anymore.

Daily Prompt:Darkness

I’ve been through a whole lot in past year or two and thankfully it is all coming to an end, well it’s just the bits and pieces that need a bit of snipping here and there.
Looking back I just realised how tired I am of everything – of whatever it is that I’ve been put through or have been subjected to, it is as if I have reached a stage of sort of realising my true worth.
We walk around, with our heads held high, thinking we know our worth and how we can easily identify, the situations where our worth will not be tested and how we will be so quick to call it quits and walk away from the situation, until we are actually placed in similar situations and then we realise, it is easier said than done.

I reached my breaking point when I did an introspection, and I realised that I’m questioning my worth. My first response to this was, “How dare you?”
Who are you to question your own worth? I mean I thought I had it all worked out but …
Knowing, not thinking you know because you’re criticizing other people’s situations or circumstances, but knowing your worth, is, in my opinion a sign of strength and it isn’t something achieved through observation but rather serves as a reminder of the scars you endured during combat.

It is a beautiful thing to witness, to see someone elevate themselves not because of someone else making them feel elevated, but because someone broke them down and when they finally decided to put the pieces back together, that sense of self-worth, self-pride that now radiates from their very essence, all because they have witnessed the strength that they possess.

I guess this is one of those moments where I thank the people who placed me in that state, because if it were not for their actions, I would have never known the gaps I still need to fill and how much I still need to get to know myself. It’s a weird space to be in, realising there is a few vital things you do not know about yourself, that you thought you knew and now you are slowly trying to figure out. How can I give other people the opportunity to get to know me, if I feel as I don’t even know myself?

When you feel like there are so many things changing around you and within you, it’s hard to keep up, so when everything settles down, I guess that’s when I will take the opportunity to re-introduce myself, to myself.

Xoxo, Lucy

Appreciating life’s lemons …

Daily Prompt:Simplicity

As sour as they may be, they make some good lemonade.
This is with most things in life, our circumstances may oppress and suppress you and in the moment you feel as if the world is on end and every force is working against you, but with time you realise that life was just moulding you for something greater, like some sort of crucible.

The hard part is keeping the faith, knowing there’s greener grass on the other side… about that statement (” the grass is greener on the other side “) my view on these words of encouragement when I saw a post that said something to the effect of, why you busy comparing other patches of grasses to your own when you could just put in the work and make your own grass greener, which leads me to my next point – lack of contentment, when is enough, enough? When do you look at your achievements and all the wealth (not riches) you’ve accumulated and simply accept the fact that it is enough – when is that fine line between success and greed drawn? Is there never enough or is the thought of their possibly being more just so addictive that you can’t just stop.
I’m not saying don’t be ambitious I’m just asking, when does ambition turn into success and suddenly greed, a few never cross that line – but for most it was a line so fine they over looked it and subsequently walked right over it.

I find it ironic that the older people around me laugh when they hear my dreams and goals, like does all this fire just fizzle out when you reach a certain stage – and why ? I feel like the only reason why I keep pushing is because I know what I am working towards, and please do not tell me that I am too young to understand, is life just too harsh for most to accomplish our goals or is it merely because we choose to settle for the little it has to offer? If so then do not encourage the young to dream, do not prompt them to dream and have high expectations of life, wake us up to the reality of what is truly out there – I can only imagine how it feels to look back and remember all the goals you had in your youth, which you never accomplished.

Like I once said,

because it’s a pointless exercise to have dreams and goals, only for you to be told you cannot pursue them. Stop telling me to think outside the box, if you’re only ever going to remind me of what I left in the box.

Xoxo, Lucy

Things I never thought I would say.

Daily Prompts: Underestimate

She built her walls up as high as her arms could reach, then took a step ladder and built them even higher. She had to, for her world could not bare to be shaken like that again.

“Pain demands to be felt “John Green

I find it so weird, that someone can be such an integral part of your existence, that their non-existence leads to you questioning your own existence, all because they played such a huge role in your development.
How do you let someone in that close, thinking it will always be to your benefit, it’s in times like these – where they have left memories in every piece of the puzzle you call life, where every smell, song, catch phrase … etc. has their scent all over it and you ask yourself, “did you ever think he would value the walls you had to break down in order to let him in?”.
If he did, he wouldn’t have begun to misuse you the way he did, and no, you’re not an idiot, you trusted him with everything – well nearly everything.  But that’s not the point, the point is … we didn’t spend all the years we did building what we had for you to come and disrespect it like that.

You’re not worth the tears I weep, you never even wiped any of the tears that touched my face.

The tears she cried, washed away the make-up she wore to hide the scars he had left her with, and now she stands with what little strength she has left – bare.

I ask myself why I remained so ignorant to the warning signs, I didn’t fail to do so with every other being – and that’s not because you were my kryptonite, I trusted you. It’s so hard to leave something you have invested so much energy in – and when I left you I realised how much of it I dedicated to you, I’m so weak.
You knew I would always be there, but would it hurt to check up on me too?

I’m philophobic, you nearly had me thinking differently – but keep your idealistic point of view.

I can’t even bring myself to liking another guy because of the nightmares you’ve left me with

Stop running to me, cause it’s all over now and you have woken up to realise the very light I shun upon your life.

You’re not even trying, I never meant anything to you did I? You only gave a damn because you knew a big part of your life was going to disintegrate the very moment I packed my bags and left. It probably isn’t even like that, it’s probably just me, trying to console myself.

I refuse to stay in the disabled state you left me in, the woman you left is only an inch of the woman I am becoming.

I don’t care about the plans we made, they were only ever there to keep my hopes up high, but you fucked up so many times, my hope deflated like a balloon every time you went back to your new ways.

Yes, new –the man you have become is a man I have never known, a man I refuse to get to know. So stop knocking at my door, forget my numbers. Leave me alone, because the sound of your very voice brings me to tears.
I’ve got no love for you no more, that cup has run dry. Stop thinking there’s something salvageable left.

I have buried what we had. Let us not conjure the spirit of dead.

… Lucy

I know, I know, I’m a bad person.

Daily Prompt: Sorry, I’m Busy
In need of my assistance? I’ll run a thousand miles and back for you but with this “rule” comes exceptions, I won’t run a thousand miles for you, if you’ve once failed to do the same for me or have never even bothered to put your running shoes on do not expect me to do the same.
I’m all about equal power in relationships, and I am extremely picky when it comes to who I choose to run a marathon for.

But, there have been instances where I’ve promised and pledged to go that extra mile for people that have gone several extra miles for me and I just didn’t make it up to them, truth be told I can be a lazy person when it comes to doing stuff for other people, you can call it the act of selfishness but don’t act like you’ve never had such moments either.
I have moments where I just want to focus on me and my needs and fulfilling someone else’s isn’t my priority anymore – I know, I know, I’m a bad person but I believe in putting yourself first before others and it’s something that’s just in my system now.

I find this so cute.

It’s something I am trying to work on but I fear that I’ll unintentionally learn to put myself second and then that it will be my new system, it’s just the balance I am trying to establish, the state of equilibrium I am trying to reach, it isn’t easy because when does putting yourself first become selfishness and when does not putting yourself first mean that you’ll only ever treat yourself as second best?

So, yes it’s okay to be selfish at times, just don’t use it as an excuse not to be there for someone, when you know very well you wouldn’t like it if they did that to you.

Xoxo, Lucy

So, where do you see yourself in 10 years ?

 
Ballerina Fireman Astronaut Movie Star
As a kid I had a real passion for designing clothes, fashion was and still is my biggest interest. Many would say, “Well yeah you’re a girl, it’s not a surprise.” but for me, this designing thing was a big deal, I had plans on how I’m going to make a success of myself and the steps I am going to take – the works. I just had this thing for not wanting to add colour to my designs, instead i would make notes regarding colours, material used, what you would wear it with … etc.

Not Dated

12/07/2014

23/10/2013

24/10/2013

21/06/2014

04/01/2014

04/01/2014

19/12/2013

19/12/2013

But then school came in and I had to prioritise, and being the nerd that I am, I chose to put school before designing, I’d still design here and there and got better with the years and then it all just hit a standstill, I haven’t designed anything this year which saddens me because I was getting really good.
I only discovered my passion for literature a year ago, and I thank the teacher that encouraged me to acknowledge, nurture and embrace it because I was those students who never knew (I actually still don’t know) what they wanted to study and which career path they’re going to follow.

So you’d think I have my mind set on studying literature, journalism or something along the lines of fashion and design, but no – my parents just do not see it that way, they’d rather have me studying something more rigid, something that will grant me financial security, I don’t know what it is really but it is frustrating knowing that I am going to have to settle for something that will have a great influence on my life, and then have to make sure I remind myself what my passion is by making it a hobby. Is it because my passion is insignificant or because I am incapable of making a career out of my passion, that my parents feel the need to disable me from pursuing it?

I’ve come to realise that you don’t have to go to school and study something in order for it to put bread on your table, but does it make sense to waste my parents’ money by going to school and studying something I won’t even make use of? My future – because of this is all a big blur, I know I want to make a success of myself in whatever career I land up in and I know for sure I want to live a comfortable life but do I want to do all of this in some sort of zombie mode? Mulling things over has become a tedious task for me, and I am now just waiting to see what the future has in store for me.

Art By Cyril Rolando : Home sweet home

Art By Cyril Rolando : When she was six

Art By Cyril Rolando : Don’t trash your dreams

Xoxo, Lucy